Spring is upon you. Tell it to get off.

Posted By Horizon Staff March 28th, 2013 in Capstone : 1 COMMENTS

Eric Bennett &
Matthew Zuidema
Blood brothers forever

It’s a stressful season, that springtime. Yeah, flowers and sunshine and all that smooth jazz are great, but they bring enough pollen and pit-stains to be sold in Costco — right next to the bulk bottles of antihistamines. So this here Capstone put together some ways to cope with whatever the vernal equinox brings. We implore you to to follow our advice to the letter, although we have no idea what will happen if you do.

Spring Break

• First of all, if you’re not attending a missions trip over the break, you’re a terrible person. It’s not too late, either; drive down to Mexico in your own car, meet up with the group and play with some children already. How dare you dream of having a week to relax?

• If you don’t want to do that, and Utah doesn’t sound good, and shirtless strong guys make you and your roommate uncomfortable, just go home (unless you live in Ensenada or Salt Lake City or your dad is Matthew McConaughey). E.T. did it, and so can you.

• If you don’t have a home…we can’t even make a joke about that because we feel so bad for you. But we guess you could stay on campus and eat goldfish crackers all day. That’s pretty inimitable.  Ooh ooh, and at night, you could buy every last snack food in the vending machines and sort them according to expiration date and then have a sleepover in the Prayer Chapel.

• Concerning that last resort of true vacations (get it?), where do you even go when you’re trying to get away from a city that so many people dream about spending Spring Break in? I mean, surfing and swimming are so Class of 2010 by the time March rolls around. We recommend shipping out from this predominantly white school to a locale that’s predominantly white — like, with snow. Cold snow. Greenland is nice this time of year, and definitely not green. You can surround yourself with topless snowwomen.

• Honestly, you should probably get some work done over break. April showers might bring May flowers, but if you put off work until the end of March, you’ll be skipping showers in April and receiving bouquets of poor grades in May.

 

Spring Cleaning

• If you’re going home for Spring Break, the first thing you should do is make a show of cleaning your room. Chances are, your mom has kept it pretty clean already, so the job should involve a lot of miming. Moms love miming; it’s their favorite.  She’ll be all like, “That reminds me of an internet I saw recently, where this street actor pretended to do some stuff and it was all for the benefit of an animal shelter, and that reminds me: you’re such a good offspring that I’m getting you a baby animal of your choice.” Worth it.

• If you’re not going home, clean the Beebe residence for them. Throw out anything you don’t find academic. They’re really nice and won’t mind at all. Don’t know how to get inside their house secretly? Us neither, and we’ve been trying for years. Maybe email gbeebe@westmont.edu and ask for us? Thanks so much.

• Don’t like cleaning? If it’s because you love saving everything you’ve ever gotten your hands on, you’ve hoarded yourself a compulsive disorder; go see a therapist. If you just don’t like dusting or walking to the dumpster, then don’t. We hear breathing in dust negatively affects fertility, though.

• If you’re relatively clean already, there’s no need to go to extra trouble just because a groundhog said winter is over. “Back in the olden days, spring cleaning was a much different concept then it is today…Using kerosene, wood, gas, oil, and candles caused the house to develop dark sooty grime around it. This grime created the need for a deep cleaning of the home” (www.momadvice.com). Not so in this day and age, unless you’re that one woodsy dude in all the Bon Iver music videos, since he probably makes candles out of bacon grease.

Spring Sing

• Let Spring Sing take over your entire life. Stop doing the work for the classes you pay the average yearly wage of an Israeli citizen for (Wikipedia, but it’s true). Stop talking to your friends in other dorms. Stop talking to anyone you don’t have dance routines with. Stop talking unless it’s in character. Stop talking if your character is a rock or some sort of fruit.

• If you’re at a loss for content, do not decide to throw glitter everywhere. It is not magical. Glitter should be illegal, unless it’s the kind that’s in glue—unless that “glue” is just makeup, because the only thing worse than cakey makeup is cakey makeup that sparkles.

• Cross-dress. Sure, the Spring Sing Committee made a new rule about that, but they make a lot of rules, and the best skits ignore them completely, even if they don’t win. We’ll bet you anything that the committee members are sitting together right now, talking about how they can’t wait to give a pizza party to the dorm that disobeys most frequently and blatantly. Boys, dress up like a woman, who dresses up like a man…who dresses up like a woman. Double-cross-dress for success. Girls, dress up like girls who dress up like girls who dress up like girls. People love girls. Use that.

• Don’t use any puns in your scripts. Puns are painful—the cruelest form of puns-ishment. Secretly, we all love them, but when you’re on the stage, preparing to deliver your one line, puns come out preceded and followed by the thought, “That’s the worst joke ever.” And when you think that, the audience does too.

• Spring Sing Committee, tell whoever you secretly got to host this year’s Spring Sing to go home, and call up Ken Kihlstrom immediately. He’ll win first place by himself.

Spring Loading

• We don’t know that much about spring loading, so we don’t have much to say.

• Okay, we just read the Wikipedia page on it and now we know a lot about spring loading. Prepare yourself for some excellent consultation.

• If you’re doing any rock-climbing this season, get some quality spring-loaded camming devices (SLCD). Apparently, they revolutionized the world of rock climbing when they invented in the 1970s. They make clean climbing possible, which is awesome, since damaging huge pieces of rock is a travesty.

• Switch-blades are spring loaded. Switch blades are knives. You might not think knives very funny, but just say it a few times. Knives. Knives knives knives knives knives. See? Already funny. They sell switch-blades in Mexico, but they’re illegal in the United States, and laws don’t change with the seasons. Take our advice and buy a funny knife, but stay in Mexico for the rest of your life.

• We don’t know as much about this as we thought we did. Feel free to consult other entities when making decisions about spring loading.

One Response

  1. Andy Rieske says:

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