The End is Near: Op/Ed acquires Capstone space, much political humor to come

Posted By Horizon Staff April 30th, 2013 in Capstone : 0 COMMENTS

Famed Westmontologist gives us an introduction to political life in the secretive liberal arts college

Michael DeMichillie 
Spell that five times fast

As Westmont gears up for its annual May Day celebrations, experts like myself have a difficult time communicating the political life of this withdrawn, isolated college. My article today aims to give newcomers some bearing on their strange way of life.

The first thing to understand about Westmont is the official state ideology based on the “Christian liberal arts.” Adherence to this doctrine is required within the college’s closed political system. This ideology, which the college uses to justify its superiority, is based on a fusion of Christianity and multiple disciplines.

Politics in this secretive college, officially based on democratic representation, is in reality, based in the Kremlin, called Kerrwood Hall by the students. The Kremlin is the main office that houses most important political figures, including Premier Gayle Beebe.

The political maneuvering of the apparatchiks in the Kremlin is, of course, totally closed off to outside observers, including experts. The only way for us to guess at news within the Kremlin is to look at outside signs, like the speeches at the May Day parade of graduating seniors.

Theoretically, the Supreme Soviet governs the students, but in reality, the WCSA exists mostly as scapegoat for unpopular policies in the Kremlin. Even so, elections to this body are uncompetitive, and usually voters are offered no choice in their candidates.

As we look forward to the May Day graduation, Westmontologists like me will be careful to watch for the signs. Will Premier Beebe be the one to wave at the commencement parade? Will the speech mention new moves in the Kremlin? We’ll have to watch and see.

Peace, Land, Dessert Pizza.

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