“Westmont After Dark” is a totally bad thing, m’kay?

Posted By Admin October 25th, 2011 in Capstone : 14 COMMENTS

Jenna Fikes & Tyler Goff
Capstone Editors

Recently, some of Westmont’s students have voiced protest against “Westmont After Dark,” the newest Halloween tradition on campus. For those of you who don’t know what Westmont After Dark is and are therefore proving you literally never read The Horizon (shame on you) WAD is a Halloween-themed event involving three elaborate haunted house walkthroughs, games and snacks. The event is funded by WCSA, approved by Westmont administration and had a tremendous turnout at its kickoff event earlier this month.

It is also pure evil.

We aren’t kidding; it makes total sense that these concerned students should be concerned. Here are just a few of the hundreds of reasons why Westmont After Dark may be the most sinister event to be spawned on campus:

1. The Makeup
As students travel through the twisting sprawl of cardboard-walled mazes they will be chased and berated by students wearing makeup. Did you hear that?!?! They will be wearing  MAKEUP! As all good boys and girls know wearing gratuitous makeup on one’s face can cause others around you to lust after you. Even worse, these students will be wearing zombie and other styles of horrific makeup which will make any kind of inappropriate attraction even more inappropriate. Not to mention how itchy this makeup may make the actor’s faces. So, so itchy.

2. The Snacks
It is common knowledge that snacks are pretty much bite-sized death traps. What if a student who is allergic to gluten eats a snack with gluten on it? (Have you ever noticed that two-thirds of Westmont’s campus are allergic to gluten?) What if someone chokes on a pretzel? What if someone drinks a soda whilst eating Pop Rocks? What if that juicy apple is has been poisoned by the Queen? Man, this makes the makeup seem safe in comparison!

3. The Cardboard
Okay, so we don’t really have any proof to back any of this up but we are pretty sure that cardboard is the stuff nightmares are made of. It’s something about the way it feels between your fingers and has that distinct cardboard smell. Also, have you ever gotten a cardboard cut? It’s like the Super Saiyan version of a paper cut. Any event with this much cardboard is bound to be no good; just like Spring Sing.

4. The Costumes
Is lying a sin? Yes, of course it is. Is pretending to be someone or something you aren’t  lying? Doy. So if you are dressing in a costume pretending to be someone else than you are lying. It’s one of the major reasons we are boycotting “Peer Gynt”; how dare those hard working actors lie about who they are on stage to entertain us. Westmont After Dark, in comparison, is basically one big fat lie. Sort of like Global Warming, Obama’s plan of “Hope” or Tupac’s death.

There you have it: Westmont After Dark is wicked, sinister, diabolical and all kinds of negative adjectives. The Capstone fully supports any fear and paranoia caused by this event. We fully advocate sleeping in tents and dressing in weird costumes outside Kerrwood to protest this indecency. Wait, dressing in costumes is on the list. OK, just sleep in tents instead. We will occupy Westmont until this is all taken care of.   

Author’s note: After writing this article it was brought to my attention by John Ortberg, fourth-year, that none of the reasons listed above are actual concerns by students. They are more afraid that Westmont After Dark is dabbling in witchcraft and spirits. This new development has caused us to rethink our original views and come to a new conclusion: lighten up. It’s a Hallmark holiday.

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