Latest engagement epidemic hits Westmont: Doctors say damage is irreversible for many students, “Those poor devils”

Posted By Horizon Staff January 24th, 2013 in Capstone : 0 COMMENTS

Eric Zuidema
May have bought a ring

The rapid spread of this year’s strain of engagement took many students at Westmont College by surprise, and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has officially labeled it an epidemic.

Dr. Laura Shank demonstrates how to fend off engagement the moment symptoms (in third picture from top: Aaron Bailey, Dean LaBarba, and Jeff Midgley) show up. Of course, already being engaged makes it a bit easier.

Engagement hit earlier than expected this season, with high numbers of victims reported over Christmas Break. Campus pundits have concluded that if a woman hasn’t gotten engaged yet, her boyfriend must not love her. They later admitted that in some cases, this may not be entirely accurate; for example, a boyfriend might be hopelessly poor or not attracted to women at all.
Early symptoms include thoughts of settling down, anxious discussions with potential in-laws, and sweating constantly. These eventually give way to ring shopping, cravings for champagne, an urge to get down on one knee (for men), and an impulse to say “yes” (for women).
There is no known cure, as engagement evolves each year, making it difficult to prevent entirely. Additionally, even if engagement is fought off, it doesn’t take kindly to the ones that get away: just catching it increases your chances of being stricken by it again. The disease takes neither hints nor “no” for an answer.
Over the years, the marital malady has been given an expanding number of names by various professional groups, such as viral identity theft by radical feminist accountants, Maladaptive Ailment Regarding Repressed Individualism and Gross Empathy (MARRIAGE) by lonely Western-minded personality theorists, Spousal Embodiment of Carnal Selfishness (SECS) by Freudian psychoanalysts (according to the 2012 best-seller Are You My Mother?), pre-divorce by pessimistic statisticians, and love by a class of kindergarteners at Franklin Elementary.
Numerous theories as to the origin of engagement have been circulating for years. Some conspiracy theorists claim that the bug was planted by midwives in China to bring in a steady stream of organized business. Others add that the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists secretly introduces a new strain of engagement each year, while some groups accuse the diamond industry of foul play, which makes sense, since everybody hates the diamond industry.
Still other outlying groups claim the blight is punishment from God, advocating elopement and wedding rings made of grass.
Whatever the source of engagement, the CDC has outlined tips for keeping the epidemic at bay, which have proven useful for many men and women here at The Capstone.

Tips for Avoiding Engagement Engagement This Season:

1. Wash your hands thrice daily with a soap containing a substance you are allergic to, such as tree nuts or gluten, or alternatively, whether you’re allergic or not, a hand sanitizer containing live African bees. The swelling in your fingers prevents 99.99% of people from putting a ring on it.
2. Never exercise. Cardiovascular health is positively correlated with quality of life and committed relationships. If you cannot resist exercise, make sure to avoid all deodorants and showers.
3. Inform your friends, family, and significant other(s) that you believe in free love and can’t stand the thought of being tied down to one person for the rest of your life.
4. Eat nothing but citrus fruits and never brush your teeth. This may take years to become effective.
5. Take a lesson from Asian tourists and wear a mask everywhere you go.
6. Get vaccinated. The CDC recommends injection with a cocktail of various sexually transmitted diseases, although this only keeps suitors away 67% of the time. Still, it’s better than nothing.
7. If you’ve been surprised by a sudden proposal or the urge to get down on one knee, check yourself into a mental hospital immediately and stay there until you’re hopelessly in debt and/or everyone you’ve ever loved has given up on you.

Tying that knot got you all tied up in knots?
If you or a loved one has recently been diagnosed with engagement, or you see a man with grass stains on one knee, call our 24-hour hotline at (805) 565-6024 or email us at immediately and as many times as necessary.

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