That one week when we weren’t funny: An issue that’s destined to be the faculty’s favorite

Posted By Horizon Staff February 8th, 2013 in Capstone : 0 COMMENTS

Eric Zuidema
Not that the faculty aren’t funny…

Ever since you were a baby, The Capstone has been there for you. Its founding fathers made it a point to be more nurturing than a fairy godmother and aspired to empower any student who picked up a newspaper by making them chuckle with slightly uncomfortable glee.

Nowadays, we don’t chuckle with glee anymore — at least until we’re safe in our own rooms. However, we still attempt to teach college students to read good, so we try to keep the content interesting, and by interesting, we mean drop-dead, tears-of-joy, cheek-strain, Aziz Ansari hilarious.

What would the world look like if everything you knew about The Capstone was wrong? What if we didn’t make up campus statistics and actually reported real data? What if we took pictures of what recognizable students actually spend their lives doing? Would people hate us? Would the library start sending us secret funds to run more features about them? Would Trinity Law School let us print their ads on our page again?

I hope you approach one of us just to say, “Very bland Capstone this week, so-and-so. I was very disappointed,” because this is an experiment, and from what I’ve learned in college, that’s how most experiments turn out.

A Semi-Comprehensive List of things that are not at all funny:

-this week’s issue

-running out of printer ink

-gas prices in California

-power half-outages

-Beyoncé’s eyes

-finding primary sources

-strands of influenza

-not getting engaged

-sex

-no sex

-the color of this box

-eating too much fiber

-abortion 

-off-brand breakfast cereals

-textbooks with no pictures

-unpaid internships

-Fresno

-implying that women aren’t funny

-peeing in your sleep

-casual dating

-running out of grocery money

-wet puppies 

-Matt Bennett

-the Op/Ed page

-losing all your work because your computer crashed

-bug bites in your ear

-deoderant stains

-pimples inside your nose

-pimples anywear else

-Axe body spray

-stale French bread 

-raisins

-blood diamonds

-gluten allergies

-the rest of the allergies

-the shuttle

-no more Moon landings

-student loans

-excessive emoticon usage

-clinical depression

-Ecclesiastes 

-watching your parents make out

-coffee breath

-leaving a few seconds on the microwave timer

-all the bugs in all the beds

-DC sloppy joes 

-rich people not giving you all their stuff

-Verizon service

-the people that open the door for you while you’re 20 feet away

-Schindler’s List

-male gynocologists

-hashtagging everything

- #hashtaggingeverything


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