VK secedes from Westmont union: Rebels cite excess open hours, parking spots, and internet coverage as offenses

Posted By Horizon Staff February 12th, 2013 in Capstone : 0 COMMENTS

Sara Reinis

Sick of the privileges 

As an upperclassmen dorm, we here in VK have different views from the rest of Westmont on the policies of the community life statement and the rules of residence life. After semester upon semester of being told we’re no different than residents of Armington, we have begun to resent this entire institution. There is only one solution: secession.

When it comes down to it, there simply aren’t enough rules or guidelines at Westmont. The moral laxity of this institution is appalling, and we are officially fighting for withdrawal.

The Confederacy of VK can no longer bring itself to be a part of an organization that condones any sort of open hours. In addition to barring males and females from visiting each other’s rooms, we will be creating partitions within each room that will hopefully prevent roommates from ever seeing each other. These partitions may only be breached on Tuesdays from 1:27pm-2:12pm.

In order to maintain our moral purity we will also take precautions to protect our newly autonomous dorm. Border control will be installed on the bridge and sentinels will constantly guard the perimeter of VK.

We have also noticed that ID cards are far too convenient. In their stead, we will be creating personalized identification barbells that must be carried around at all times.

We also desire a much more involved chapel schedule. Westmont’s egregiously inadequate chapel requirements are a key point of contention between Westmont and the VK Confederacy. We will be upping mandatory chapel attendance to 6 days a week. If a member of the VK Confederacy misses a single chapel they will be exiled to the land of the heathens: Emerson. The horrors of closed doors and the numerous other vices of Emerson will hopefully compel our fallen comrades to commit more deeply to VK.

Furthermore, it has come to our attention that there is far too much parking in Westmont as a whole and at VK in particular. We will be reclaiming over half of the parking spots in front of our dorm for the aforementioned additional chapels.

VK also takes issue with the speed of the internet. The swiftness of the wifi can lead only to idleness and weak character. Instead we will be resorting to using only dial-up.

We’re serious.  

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