Local News Briefs: Local news boxers to follow

Posted By Horizon Staff March 3rd, 2013 in Capstone : 0 COMMENTS

Jonny Wahl
Crying over spilt milk 

The squirrel milking community is in uproar over inflammatory claims of the National Association of Squirrel Analysis (NASA) concerning 2012 survey data. The controversial findings allege a 500% increase in squirrel-related injuries amongst the American public.

NASA has long been at odds with the Squirrel Milkers Association of America (SMAA), but the February release of these statistics has reignited the flames of their rivalry.

The SMAA fears increased litigation and backlash from their workers, who are organized by the Squirrel-Trade Union Protecting the Interests of Dairy Rodents (STUPIDR). The SMAA has worked tirelessly in recent years to inform the public that squirrels are peaceful, gentle creatures and that squirrel milking is more about relationship and manual dexterity than anything else.

Squirrel milkers believe that the increase in squirrel-related injuries is directly proportional to the increase in amateur squirrel milking by unlicensed street youths and incompetent companies passing themselves off as “organic.”

As dangerous as amateur squirrel milking is for the milker, it is much more hazardous to the squirrel.  Purple nurples and hair-pulling are not just a problem for grade-school children these days. The SMAA is worried about the psychological and emotional health of the squirrel.

Trader Joe’s has already pulled “Trader Jaw-Full-of-Nuts’ Squirrel Milk” from their shelves due to NASA’s announcement (and the fact that chipmunks stuff nuts and seeds in their cheeks, not squirrels).

Vigilant citizens are urged to write angry letters to their representative in Congress (gbeebe@westmont.edu).

Squirrel milk, as disgusting and furry as it is, has always been a part of America, and that tradition cannot be crushed by the hypersensitivity of the uninformed masses.

 

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