Ketchup on everything

Posted By Horizon Staff April 11th, 2013 in Capstone : 0 COMMENTS

Alejandro Santana-Vallarta

Please call him “Hondo” 

We love it on our French fries, and we lather it on our burgers and hotdogs. Heck, I love it on the lentil loaf the DC serves “cnce in a blue moon” (too late for a Pageman to win Spring Sing? #imnotbitteriswear#okaymaybealittlebit).

I am, of course, talking about ketchup: that wonderfully mystical red goo that most of us mistook as the paint for the canvas of our shirts when we were five years old and still eating our boogers. Aaaah, boogers.

Speaking of boogers, ketchup is salty and a great condiment to the otherwise bland meat in the DC, which is why I am disturbed that many students in our Westmont utopia have, of late, cut back on the mucus of Sir Heinz. You might have already guessed that I love this manufactured abomination of nature, which is why I feel it is imperative to inform you of my alarm over the sudden and nonchalant disdain for ketchup in our community.

In my best intentions, I wish to present to the Westmont student body my “5.7 Theses Against the Intentional Ignorance to the Good Liquid Given to Us by Lord Heinz,” otherwise known as, “Heinz Ketchup Fun Facts.”

[Note: The Capstone, and especially this author are not responsible for any negative side affects resulting from the overconsumption of ketchup that this article provokes. But if your skin turns red, or you start burping red bubbles, The Capstone is responsible. Or National Geographic.]


1. Eating ketchup makes you feel like a vampire or werewolf. Who says that Twilight wars have to end? Think, “Twilight: Red Dusk”… or “Red Dawn” if you like ketchup on your eggs.


2. Eating ketchup can help you get better grades…or overthrow Westmont. The color red is usually related to anger. Anger equals motivation against enemies. Enemies are those tests this next week. Or the faculty and staff that assigns them. Anarchy!


3. Eating ketchup can improve your “game.” You know what I’m talking about. Next time you see your Westmont WOW or DC Crush, pour some ketchup in your mouth and proceed to pretend you have hemophilia — as long as your they are biology or pre-med majors. Literature majors will probably just write a satire on why not to eat ketchup, while religious studies students will be curious about what edgy un-Orthodox church you went to that morning and ask about your stance on transubstantiation.


4. Eating ketchup boosts your intake of Lycopene (and fertility).You may not have known this, but tomatoes are a key source of lycopene. Lycopene has been shown to extremely benefit general health, especially by guarding against cardiovascular disease, cancer, diabetes, osteoporosis and male infertility. So basically, gents, don’t worry too much about keeping the commandment, “Be fruitful and increase in number.” What you need are condiments.


5.7. Eating ketchup boosts the five senses. The reasoning for “.7” being part of this last point is because the number 7 in many cultures is considered the number of the Universe — think 7 wonders of the world, 7 deadly sins, 7th day of rest, etc. So on a metaphysical level, eating ketchup (especially Heinz 57 Ketchup) heightens the senses astronomically, and it also might help you not accidentally pour lemonade in your camelback when filling it up in the DC.


For further study:

YouTube “Ketchup on Everything.” Yes, it is a Disney Channel music video. Or just click and enjoy.

Comments are closed.

The Horizon's Facebook The Horizon's Twitter RSS Feed